One of the most common complaints I hear from couples in my office is: “I just don’t feel like my partner is listening to me!” After this statement, I’ll usually hear a list of reasons why this partner thinks their partner is not listening. These reasons range anywhere from, “they only hear what they want to hear”, “they always bring up old stuff”, “they don’t care about me”, to “they can’t see past their own perspective enough to listen to me.”
No matter what the reason may be for your partner not listening to you, the experience of feeling unheard is incredibly painful. When couples are in emotional pain, it is incredibly difficult to turn towards one another for connection.
So what can be done to ensure that your partner hears you?
First, we have to understand what is causing the disconnection.
One intervention I often use with couples is to ask the partner who is listening what they just heard the partner who is speaking say. A wife might say, “I just don’t feel connected to you anymore”, but the husband might hear, “You are doing a terrible job as a partner and I don’t want to connect with you.” These are two very different statements!
Pausing to ensure the message that is stated is the message that is heard is critical for decreasing defensiveness and increasing understanding.
If you are feeling that your partner is not hearing what you are saying, try this script, “Can you repeat back to me what you heard me say? I’m afraid we are having two different conversations and it’s important to me that we are on the same page.”
But what happens when messages get lost in translation?
Before rushing to your primary care doctor for a hearing test, consider the filter that messages are being sent through on the receiver’s end.
Partners who are sensitive to the idea that they are not meeting their partner’s needs may be hypervigilant for any messages that may prove they are not meeting their partner’s needs. The same can be true for partners who have experienced betrayals or infidelities of any kind, partners who have fears of abandonment, partners who were highly criticized as children, and so on.
Our life experiences affect how we receive the messages we are given. Drawing attention to these experiences helps us make sense of why we hear what we hear and why we respond the way we respond. Knowing more about how our life experiences have shaped us gives us power over our responses.
This doesn’t mean that you will never be triggered by anything, it simply means that we can acknowledge what is happening and choose to respond in a way that breeds more connection versus disconnection.
If your partner says something that triggers you (even if they didn’t mean to), try saying this: “When you said _______, I heard _______. I may be misinterpreting because of my past experiences, but can you rephrase what you said so that I can understand where you are coming from?”
Listening to understand versus listening to respond requires an incredible amount of humility, patience, and willingness to connect. It also sometimes requires additional space and time to have a more thoughtful conversation. If you are feeling unheard and alone in conversations with your partner, you may consider reaching out for couples counseling. In counseling, we can get a little extra help and support to break out of negative patterns of connection and to learn how to listen and respond more effectively.
If you have any questions or concerns about Atlanta Couples Counseling, please reach out to our Fava Counseling office at 404-257-6474.
Feel ready to book a session? Click here to schedule a session today at our Sandy Springs counseling office. We have couples therapists available to speak with you as you consider this important step in your relationship.