Do you ever get into an argument with your partner and you can already tell how it is going to end? You’ve gone through the same cycle over and over again. Every time you fight it feels like you are just saying the same things in different ways, never truly getting anywhere.
This can be an extremely frustrating and discouraging experience. This is also what I hear from almost every couple who comes in for couples therapy. As discouraging as it can feel to be stuck in the same negative cycle, there is hope for creating new, healthier conflict cycles.
Much of the language around these common conflict cycles comes from a form of therapy called emotionally-focused therapy, or EFT. The goal of EFT is to identify these negative conflict cycles and uncover hidden emotional needs at the core of every conflict. It is the therapist’s job to help partners uncover the attachment needs hidden in our day-to-day conflicts so that we may begin to interact in a more authentic way.
One of the most common conflict cycles is called the pursue-withdraw pattern. This pattern occurs when one partner, called the pursuer, is more likely to bring up issues within the relationship. Pursuers feel desperate to resolve issues as soon as possible and can feel abandoned when their partner asks for time before reaching a resolution.
The withdrawer, on the other hand, retreats from the relationship when emotional issues are brought up. Withdrawers have often learned from a young age that relationships are not a safe place to be vulnerable and it is safer to retreat into themselves to meet their own needs than to rely on the relationship.
This dynamic can escalate to the point where the more the pursuer engages, the more the withdrawer retreats. Pursuers may get louder and more aggressive, sometimes resorting to criticisms or contempt as a way to get their partner to engage. This causes withdrawers to retreat even further into themselves, away from the relationship, sometimes resorting to defensiveness or stonewalling.
Without the proper awareness of how their conflict cycle is affecting them and what to do about it, partners are often left feeling hopeless and alone.
So, what can couples do about this?
First, couples need to understand their part in the conflict cycle. Partners need to own their position (as either a pursuer or a withdrawer) and be open to hearing how their actions have affected their partner. A therapist can help you map out your cycle and better understand the core emotional needs at the center of your arguments. Couples often seek therapy to discuss matters such as money, sex, or parenting differences, but at the core of their conflicts is usually an underlying need such as “I need to know you value my opinion,” or “I need to know you care about me.”
Next, couples must choose to see their partner’s tendencies to incite conflict or disengage from it not as an attack on each other, but as a way to protect themselves. Having more understanding for why one’s partner behaves the way they do will bring more compassion and empathy. It may not completely diminish the negative effects of their behavior, but it will help you to not see them as “the villain.” This can help shift your mindset from a “my partner versus me” mentality to an “us versus the problem” mentality. In this case “the problem” is the conflict cycle you are both trapped in rather than each other.
After couples have more awareness, understanding, and empathy, they can begin to effectively implement strategies for breaking out of their cycle when they feel themselves being pulled back in. Some strategies I am always educating my couples about are the 10-minute time out, using “I statements,” how to revisit tricky conversations, and empathetic responding. To find out more about these strategies or to get answers to any other questions you may have, feel free to reach out to one of our highly qualified couples therapists.
EFT provides a non-judgemental, non-blaming approach to therapy so that partners can feel more comfortable exploring these often sensitive areas of their relationship. The goal of this approach is not to fundamentally change how we are wired to show up in relationships, but to allow for greater empathy and communication for these differences. If you or your partner are feeling stuck and you are seeking ways to connect more deeply and more authentically, EFT may be the perfect fit for you!
If you have any questions or concerns about Atlanta Couples Counseling, please reach out to our Fava Counseling office at 404-257-6474.Feel ready to book a session? Click here to schedule a session today at our Sandy Springs counseling office. We have couples therapists available to speak with you as you consider this important step in your relationship.