“Mom guilt”— every mother has encountered this at one point or another. That nagging voice in the back of your mind that patronizes you for “not doing enough, not being present enough, or somehow falling short as a parent”. Whether it’s because you missed a game, ordered takeout instead of cooking a healthy meal, or took time for yourself, mom guilt can weigh heavily on your heart and mind, and can lead to a lot of emotional turmoil.
“Mom guilt” often comes from unrealistic expectations, internal/external comparison, and pressure to be the “perfect” mother.
Let’s explore the roots of “mom guilt” and how to break free from its grip, so you can embrace the beautiful and imperfect journey of motherhood.
What Is “Mom Guilt”, and Why Is It So Common?
“Mom guilt” is the feeling of inadequacy or guilt over your perceived shortcomings as a mother. It can stem from a variety of sources, including:
Societal Expectations
Society often holds mothers to unrealistically high standards, expecting them to balance parenting, work, relationships, and self-care flawlessly. A mistake being made, a bad day, or sleep deprivation is often not taken into consideration, and society is quick to dismiss these experiences.
Comparison
With social media showcasing picture-perfect moments of motherhood, picture-perfect children, and “aesthetic” homes, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others and feeling like you’re not measuring up. Someone else’s areas of success does not equate to the lack of your own. In life we all will experience highs and lows, especially with motherhood!
Personal Standards
Many mothers have their own internal expectations of what a “good mom” should look like, often striving for perfection. Are you trying to overcompensate for areas you may have lacked growing up? Taking the time to explore the expectations you have placed upon yourself is important. It’s possible that you have taken a position as your own personal criticizer.
“Mom guilt” can feel suffocating as it strikes from multiple angles—work, home, relationships, and even self-care. If you work outside the home, you may feel guilty for not being with your kids more. If you’re a stay-at-home mom, you may feel guilty for not contributing financially. When you do take time to yourself, you may feel selfish. The guilt seems to follow mothers no matter what they do. Is this really because of an internal phenomenon, or can it also be a result of societal expectations? As stated above, I believe that it is a mixture of both!
Common Triggers of “Mom guilt”
Some common situations that can spark “mom guilt” include:
- Work-Life Balance: Feeling like you’re neglecting your children while focusing on your career, or vice versa, can trigger mom-guilt. The stress and anxiety from high pressure times like holiday seasons, back to school, or work deadlines can intensify these feelings even more!
- Taking Time for Yourself: Whether it’s going to the gym, having a night out with friends, or even taking a shower in peace, many mothers feel guilty when they take time for themselves. Especially when their kids are often seeking mom out.
- Parenting Decisions: Choices around screen time, nutrition, discipline, and education can trigger guilt, especially when you compare your parenting style to others. Mothers are in desperate need of the gift of grace. How easy is it for us to give it to others, while not portioning any out for ourselves?
- Missing Milestones: The fear of missing out can place any mother in an anxious back and forth notion.
The Harmful Effects of Mom Guilt
While it’s normal to care deeply about being a good parent, chronic guilt can take a toll on your well-being. Constantly feeling guilty can lead to:
- Burnout: The pressure to meet every need perfectly can leave you feeling exhausted and depleted.
- Anxiety: Worrying about whether you’re doing enough can create overwhelming feelings of stress and anxiety.
- Self-Doubt: Over time, guilt can erode your confidence as a parent and make you question your abilities.
- Disconnection: When guilt consumes you, it can pull your attention away from enjoying the present moment with your children.
Embracing Imperfection in Motherhood: 4 Steps that Can Help
The truth is, there’s no such thing as a “perfect mom.” Every mother makes mistakes, faces challenges, and has moments of doubt. Flaws are pivotal pieces of what makes us, us!
What matters most is that you show up with love, effort, and authenticity.
Here are 4 ways you can redirect your thoughts and emotions when you’re battling mom guilt:
- Mindfulness Breathing– When you feel overwhelmed by your thoughts, it’s common to disassociate or spiral down an anxiety driven slope. Mindfulness breathing will bring you back to the here and now. Try this short exercise:
Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and take slow, deep breaths. Focus on the sensation of the air entering and leaving your body. If your mind wanders, gently bring your attention back to your breath. Do this for 1-2 minutes.
- Acknowledge your feelings- If you are just beginning your journey of acceptance of imperfection, then your feelings of guilt or FOMO is not just going to go away. It is okay to acknowledge how you feel while also reaffirming yourself. Here is an example of reaffirming yourself:
“I feel guilty for taking a day to myself without my kids, but I can also acknowledge that my children will ultimately benefit from me taking care of my own individual needs”.
- Finding support from other mothers– Motherhood can be an extremely isolating experience. Joining a support group for mothers, a book club, or any small community of mothers who can understand where you are can motivate you to step out of your comfort zone and push yourself to explore more of what life has to offer beyond motherhood.
Click here to learn more about our Beyond Motherhood Support Group here at Fava Counseling!
- Take one self-care step at a time– You do not need to create an entire extra curricular life outside of your life as a mother. This can be overwhelming especially if you are a working mom. Taking small steps of exploration is a great place to start. This may look like going on a 30 min walk, scheduling a massage once a month, creating a nighttime routine outside of the kids routine, or picking up a new book!
By letting go of guilt and embracing imperfection, you can free yourself from the constant pressure to be everything. You’ll be able to enjoy the journey of motherhood more fully, savoring the messy, beautiful moments that make it so special.
So, the next time “mom guilt” creeps in, remind yourself: your children don’t need you to be perfect—they need you to be you. And that’s more than enough.
Here at Fava Counseling, our goal is to walk with you as you are in the process of embracing your motherhood. Click here to get in touch with our Sandy Springs counselors and learn how we can help you navigate the challenges of motherhood!